I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
