Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
