U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
