you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I wish you could order shots online.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
