I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
