Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
