My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize