I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
