I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
