last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
