I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
