please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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