So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
