Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I don't want my vagina anymore.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
