Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
