You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
