Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
