You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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