You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
