my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
