I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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