You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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