While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
