I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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