I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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