in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
