Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
