I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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