I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
