i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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