My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
