Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
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