He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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