if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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