Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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