nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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