The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
