I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
