just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
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