You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
