i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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