I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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