Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
