mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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