I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
