I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
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