After last night, I could never be a politician.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
