Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
