living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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