just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
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