I'm gonna have a badass scar
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
