I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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