Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Randomize
