I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
