Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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