My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
