Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
